Rule One: If you pull into my driveway, you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two: Do not touch my daughter or your hands will be removed.
Rule Three: In order to ensure that your clothes do not come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four: If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Five: I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Six: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

understand that the feelings are NEVER mutual. the very day they are, love will finally be on your side.

� mykel trent